So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dignity is for republicans.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
