i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
