Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
