Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
