My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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