Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
