Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
