just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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