why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
