I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
