apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
