yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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