I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
