Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
