girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
