i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
