I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
