My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
