im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
