Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
