i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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