How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
