I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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