Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
