Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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