You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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