That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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