did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
