hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i will never coherently bang her
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
