There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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