he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
