dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
