You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
