I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
