Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
