my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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