Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
