When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
