it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
