a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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