I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
