proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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