Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
