This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
