Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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