Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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