getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
