The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
