I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
