My boss' voice literally gives me gas
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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